Recounting, a day at a time

Frail, thin woman sitting on a round chair. Boys soccer and basketballs in background.
malnourished and hiding in a hotel room with my son’s basketball, soccer ball and football in the background © Zora Zebic 1990

I’d moved to St. Catharines, Ontario, relying on a promise from a relative. The promise was a steady babysitting job, while the relative worked at her job with the government. I’d always found it a breeze to care for children, it had sounded like a great alternative to working for the man!

To my son’s great disappointment, I’d asked him to say goodbye to his friends. We’d packed the house into a rental truck to move to the apartment I’d found for us. My friend Stanley had offered to drive us and our truckload to our new home.

While we’d unloaded the furniture and boxes into the apartment, Stanley had became extremely agitated. I’d asked him what was up. Truth be told, I did know he liked to imbibe in a little too much beer and I’d thought he was feeling a need.

Stanley, bristling at my suggestion, had then asked, “I don’t get why the hell you would move into a place with cameras everywhere!” I’d been stunned and had asked, “What cameras?” Stanley had pointed to the wall in the hallway and asked, “Can’t you see them?” I couldn’t see any cameras, and I’d told Stanley he definitely needed a drink.

Stanley’d then stormed out, and watching on the balcony, I’d been saddened by the harshness of my words, as I’d watched him drive away in the rental truck. To this day, I wish instead I had insisted Stanley prove to me there were cameras on the walls. I would not have suffered so much, and shamefully I admit, my son would not have endured such horrors.

The move to St. Catharines, Ontario was not the beginning of my nightmare, but I did not know that then.

© Zora Zebic 2018

A conundrum

Raindrop on train window with view of fog in field
Fog in field, and train track, seen through train window @Zora Zebic 2018


Life, sometimes, is filled with questions, confusions and despair.

That said, from that perspective, if a rapist were to have his victim hypnotized, and during that session, extracted a forgiveness for his crime, is the forgiveness valid?

I read today, “In the Jewish tradition, when you wrong a person, it’s up to that person to forgive you.”

He is Jewish. Don’t get me wrong, there is some Jewish blood in my veins also.

All that said, the victim’s personality is prone to forgive, however the victim did not forgive knowingly and consciously. Therefore, is the forgiveness valid?

While confusing, this is not to say forgiveness would not be properly granted, should the rapist ask genuinely for repentance.

This is a conundrum.

© Zora Zebic 2018

Amherstburg’s earthquake

Brass bird, listening to birds in trees
Barry enjoying the songs of the birds in our backyard. © Zora Zebic 2017

Truth be told, we just experienced a 3.6 magnitude earthquake. We heard a very loud boom and the place shook. I, sitting at the computer, felt the earth shake three more times!

Our home is in Amherstburg, and we rent an apartment in Windsor. We were at the apartment when the earth moved under our feet.

My husband will be obligated to go to the house in the morning. He was planning to go anyway to enjoy the backyard and the many birds this season. He will fill the bird feeders and count the flocks of feathered friends who sing to him.

Collingwood’s Dogwood

dogwood bush with snow and dead grass
Dogwood in Collingwood © Zora Zebic 2018

Driving out of Collingwood, Ontario I’d noticed brilliant-barren-of-leaves-red-stemmed bushes dotting the landscape. Online-searching hit on Dogwood Bush.

I’d never seen this bush, or most likely I’d never noticed it before. It had been a treat to the eye. Perhaps, some day, Dogwood will grow in my yard. Another trip to Collingwood, with a shovel in the car, and I may get permission from a land owner to harvest some of their awesome bushes!

© Zora Zebic 2018

Chai Tea to Warm the Soul

Ahh, to warm the soul!

The Dancing Herbalist

If anyone knows Carmen they know I can find humor in everyday mundane things. For example, when I’m working remotely at a coffee shop, I always chuckle when I hear people at the counter ordering chai tea lattes. You might ask what’s so funny about that. Well friends, chai is the Hindi word for tea, which originally comes from the Chinese word cha (as well as Korean), so here in the West, we’re literally asking for a tea-tea. Now do you see the humor?

Anyhoo, I love chai. It’s warm and inviting, sweet and creamy, and spicy. Masala chai means mixed-spice tea. So, similar to the garam masala food spice mix, it is composed of a wonderful mix of black tea, milk, sugar and various aromatic, pungent and spicy herbs. Drinking a nice warm, creamy cup of chai is a wonderful way to get a daily dose of an…

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Now, aren’t they a cute couple?

young boy and girl
Les & Me © 2018

Now arent’ they a cute couple? I’d say we were. The thing is, Les and I were not slated to remain in love, or to have a long-term relationship.

Fact is, it had nothing to do with him, it was about the damaged-me.

I look back in time at that naturally-afrod-white-boy I was so drawn to, and I remember how very much I wanted to spend my life with him. Les was charming and gentle. The problem was, I was unaccustomed to a male who had those attributes. I’d, since age 11, already met so many of the vile types, and in some twisted fashion, I could not relate to a gentile, sweet, loving and kind fellow. Sad, isn’t it?

But that is what happens to a little girl who, during her childhood, had been abused, sexually abused, abandoned, psycologically tortured and socially outcasted.

Hey Les, wherever you are – I am sad you had to experience the girl that had been me. In retrospect, I wish I had been gifted the counselling and supports I had needed to become a better person, and certainly, a better person to have walked into your life.

Les, I hope your life has been beautiful, since me!

© Zora Zebic 2018