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Saved by the rays

Brilliant white hot sun against blue sky
Brilliant sun rays © Zora Zebic 2016


I had a terrible dream, my being filled with dread when I’d woken. I remembered every detail of this dream, which is not common for me. I rose from my bed and stretched my limbs, an effort to shake the memory. This dream happened when I was 17, and now at age 61, I still have not forgotten it.

The dream was of me sitting in a movie theatre. I was without a companion, although the seats were crowded. I was puzzled because messages were quite visible on the movie screen. Messages that were not relative to the movie. They were commanding messages, telling me “You are always under surveillance.” “Obey the laws at all times.” “Do everything your government tells you to do.” “Your superiors are to be obeyed at all times.” “Your thoughts are heard.” “There is no safe place to go if you try to escape.”

I’d turned to a girl sitting beside me and asked, “Why are all these words on the movie screen?” The girl turned to look at me wearing an expression of puzzlement. She said, “What words?”

There was a sudden rustle in the audience. A lady shouted, “She sees our commands. Grab her!” Hearing that I’d bolted from my seat and ran from the scores of people who had, in obedience, risen from their seats to join the chase.

“Oh God, what have I gotten myself into this time? Please help me!” I prayed as I rushed to open the door. The swarm of people were getting closer as I burst out into the sun-filled day. The brightness of the day either blinded them, or God had answered my panicked prayer, as none had followed me out of the building.

I would later learn about “Subliminal Messaging”, but I had never heard of it then. To this day I wonder about that dream. Could my subconscious have picked up on messages while I shopped at the mall? Could my mind, not able to reconcile what was happening, force me to have the dream? Perhaps so, as I totally understood when this type of messaging was explained to me.

© Zora Zebic 2018

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When I almost died from sex

I became frantic as the legs of the bed, all four one after another began to gallop like a wild stallion. At least that is what I thought a wild stallion must gallop like. Cul-a-lump, cul-a-lump, cul-a-lump, lump, lump and on and on that stallion raced. My hands clung to the sides of my mattress as I desperately prayed to survive the earthquake above me. Silently, I plead “Oh God, please don’t let me die from sex!”

Then it happened, the scream of horror escaped from me. I lay drenched in panicked sweat fear enveloping me like a cold, black cape of death. A face appeared from the top bunk of the bed demanding, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want us to get caught?” I couldn’t do more than stare at the angry face of the teen boy, while agile as a cat the older foster sister Lolita leapt to the painted green hardwood floor.

I’m still amazed that Lolita could leap, as though inhuman, off the top bunk. Lolita sneered her best sneer, wrinkled her oversized nose and hissed, “You’re a virgin loser. At least the boys want to do me.” I turned away and held back a desire to hug the now still wall. The top bunk hadn’t fallen to crush me to death. Thankful, I closed my 13 year old eyes and ignored Lolita and her latest ride as they sucked on each others faces, their goodnight, or maybe goodbye kiss.

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Two piece hot pink tutu

Another death, a foster sister. I don’t have any photos of Carissa and so I represent her with a beautiful flower from my garden.

I’ll always remember first meeting 6 year old Carissa. She was a tiny stick shaped child, a pretty face surrounded by long blond hair. I recall her wearing a bright pink two piece bathing suit with a mini tutu skirted bottom. I’d wondered, when I first saw the bathing suit, that her mother had thought it was respectable for her small girl to flounce around the yard dressed in so little. Life with the nuns had been strict and I was not accustomed to such lack of modesty.

Carissa had been an okay kid. Not too much trouble to anyone. She did have some difficulty hiding her resentment of some, no, most of the other foster children. She had difficulty sharing her natural mother and natural father with these children of strangers. I’d always thought Carissa was rather normal and had not wasted time being angry with her, nor did I waste any time chewing it around in my mind. She was what she was, and, more importantly she was just a little kid who hadn’t been offered a choice or an opinion.

It still amazes me that the Children’s Aid had sardined 9 children and two adults into a three bedroom home in a lower middle class neighbourhood in Windsor, Ontario. This was prior to the foster parents puchasing the hotel and cottages in Oxley, Ontario.

I never did find out if he molested his own daughter Carissa, although he did threaten to do so when I refused to get into his bed. Instead he had taken Carissa and another younger foster girl, Denise into his bedroom for the night. His wife was in hospital at the time, having her rectum operated on, for reasons she hadn’t made very clear to us. Probably, simply a case of hemmorroids.

Many years later, while talking to me about the molestation of me in the foster home the investigating cop diverted his thoughts to Carissa. He told me he had always had a thing for her, since she had entered high school. I had suppressed, with difficulty, the urge to tell him what a pervert I thought he was.

The cop is about my age, and 5 years between him and Carissa would not normally be a big deal, however, he was talking about his attraction to a 14 year old girl entering grade 9 while he, at age 19 or so, had already graduated and gone on to post secondary school.

The cop, his eyes glazing over and unaware of my discomfort, told me another story of Carissa. He said the foster father had taken up with a teacher in the small nearby town and the foster mother had learned of his disgracing of her. While she didn’t care at all about his secret behaviours, including the molesting of the children, she did take great umbrage with his public display of his lack of devotion to her.

Carissa, intent on vindicating her mother had driven over to the teacher’s house in a rage. She’d proceeded to smash every window, at least all those in her reach! The teacher had pressed charges and the cop told me he had been mortified at the idea of laying criminal charges against the girl of his dreams. I had laughed so hard and had almost fallen off my chair in the police interview room.

The cop had literally pouted, causing me to laugh all the more. He had insisted I “calm down”. I asked him if he had slapped the cuffs on Carissa, and if she had resisted. I know that man wanted to jump up from his reclined office chair to slap me, but the image in my mind had been far too hilarous not to put into words!

Instead, through pursed and very angry lips he said the foster father had replaced all the windows in the house and had ended his affair with the teacher. Everyone satisfied, he had not been obligated to proceed with an arrest of Carissa.

I have often thought how I would have loved to have watched Carissa eke out some revenge on those windows! Not that her mother deserved it, for she is an evil woman, but simply because I can imagine every ounce of hate that girl had buried inside of herself for most of her life erupting from her.

I think, for the rest of my life I will imagine Carissa in a super hero costume, a two piece hot pink tutu, blasting villians with hot pink flaming thunderbolts!

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Teenage escapade

lace panties and hair clip in snow



The last twinkle in the snow vanished as the nearby streetlight bulb went out. She pulled her tight skirt back down to her knees as he zipped himself. Like two snakes they slithered back into different entrances of the dance hall. Neither looking at the other, nor noticing they’d left behind traces of their teenage escapade.

© Zora Zebic 2016